As a single parent I have reflected on why I have ended up where I am Today, when I never signed up for divorce, I expected to married, to be “together forever” and live the dream, yet I have been married and divorced twice already. In all honesty, it appears to be the “norm” now, and pretty much everyone I know has been married before, and it is almost “abnormal” for a couple to be in their first marriage, and even more abnormal if they are actually happy …
… “Yet, I still believe in LOVE! “
For my son though, he has never known any different, he was only 8 months old when his father and I separated. About 3 weeks ago, my son was asking me whether I would marry my boyfriend, because his Daddy remarried in January, and he has a “step mother”, and now he would like a “step father” too (This is his explanation). He asked me why I was never married … Well, I tried explaining to him that I was married once to his father, and he said …
“No ways mom, I don’t believe You … You’re just joking hey” I couldn’t stop laughing, and he added “that’s just gross, You were never married to my dad”.
After composing myself, I explained that it was a long time ago, and sometimes people can’t be together because they are not right for each other, even if they love each other, they don’t make each other happy. My sons father and I have had a rocky road to say the least, and it was pretty much a 3 year period of attack and defence mode for both of us … it only got better, even amicable, this year, when I finally swallowed my pride and actually showed him what the “bad” relationship was doing to me, and he accepted his part in it. We have an amicable and very fortunate relationship now, which is not only in the best interest of our son, but us and our respective partners too.
“People don’t understand how we can be amicable with so much “history”, and the truth is, is that the history built the very foundation we have for the relationship we enjoy Today.”
His father used to say that he was heartbroken that our son is from a broken home, that it is not what he wanted for our son, because he himself knows what damage it can do to a person … I disagreed. I asked him to never say that again, because I don’t believe my son is from a broken home, I don’t want our child to grow up believing that, I want him to know that he’s from two very well-functioning homes, that both have a solid foundation, and he is a very lucky little boy to have two homes, when some children don’t even have one.
Some women don’t understand how I can be comfortable with another woman loving my child, and vice versa, especially if they themselves are a mother … the very thought of their child loving, kissing, and embracing another woman, like they are their mother, is just too much for them to comprehend … and some men don’t understand how my ex-husband gets to see his son whenever he would like, and has a 50/50 split, when they are fighting for any time they can get with their child. They don’t understand why we try to be accommodating and helpful to each other. Ultimately, what they don’t see, is that it took us 3 Years to get where we are Today, but we stopped fighting when we decided to place our son before our own pride, pain and selfishness.
“With all that has happened, I can’t take away from the fact that he is a brilliant father, and I wouldn’t want to, I am truly blessed that my son is loved and looked after, when I know that so many are not as lucky.”
After all this time, we’re actually able to have an amicable relationship (partners included) We may never be best friends, but I think we both have each other’s best interests at heart, we are both trying to be the best parents we can be. We may not have made our marriage work, but that is purely because we were not meant to be together, but we can still be awesome parents. We have both moved on in life, and I am so lucky that he has met an amazing woman, who loves my son like he is her own, and who has good morals and a strong family foundation and who makes him happy. As for my ex, I wish him well, I wish him happiness, and I when they have more children, I know that they will be as equally loved and as blessed as my son. I no longer want to call him my ex, he is the n”ex”t best thing, he is my friend, and my son’s father.
“All in all, it just means more love in my son’s life, the more people he calls family, and the more love he experiences, the better his life will be. How can I be upset, when all he knows is love” …
I have found love with someone who stated from the beginning, that he is in a relationship with me, not my son, and he let my son initiate the relationship they share Today. My boyfriend never pushed him, imposed on his time or invaded his space, he gave my son complete freedom to dictate their relationship. They have respect, friendship, and now love for each other. I could not have wished for a better outcome all round. To have someone You love, that actually completes Your family circle, how broken can that be …
“So … I may not be married, but I have my family. We share all the things each family should be blessed with, love in abundance, plenty of laughter, and the comfort of each other. “
That is the best that I can hope for, for my son, for me, and for my partner. To show my son that although things may not go as planned, sometimes they just work out for the better, and everything truly does happen for a reason. I haven’t lost my faith in marriage, or family, in fact, my experience has only helped confirm just how important marriage and family are, especially in Today’s world, where values seem to be lacking.
Wherever we may go, whatever we may do, whoever it may be with, we must never lose sight of our core, our family. Family is not determined by an incubation period, or by the seed that was sewn, family is determined by the love that is shared. There is a saying that “blood is thicker than water”, however, I disagree … I know of family with blood ties that are complete strangers, that haven’t got love for each other, that don’t share anything other than the blood running through their veins.
“I believe that family is determined by the man who raises another man’s child as his own, or the woman that nurtures another woman’s child as if she’d given birth … That is family.”
“Family is like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions, yet our roots remain as one” – Unknown …
- It’s a win-win, when we give-give… (chosen2k7.wordpress.com)
- amicable divorce http://njmediator.wordpress.com/tag/amicable-divorce/
- the stigma of divorce http://mandyf.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/the-stigma-of-divorce/