“Freedom‘s just another word for nothing left to lose”…..
I may be free … But I feel like I’ve not only lost recently, I feel like a prize idiot! Really … What was I thinking??? Clearly I wasn’t thinking at all, I was feeling instead and acting on those feelings, which led to me reacting in a way I thought I had moved on from. I thought I had grown and learnt from this kind of “mentality” already, I didn’t realise I could jump straight back into past behaviour like I’d never learnt at all! I used to be the most confrontational, aggressively passionate person, who wouldn’t hesitate to just cut people out of my life when I felt disrespected, undervalued or betrayed.
The phrase “bull in a china shop” has been used by many people in past discussions to describe my temperament and I must say, I used to be proud of my assertive, no-nonsense approach, but I do believe I have changed, and that person is not who I want to be.
I honestly thought my Days of … ctrl … alt … delete, were behind me …
I was informed of a situation that affected me, where I was apparently an “issue” and wasn’t even aware of it. I believed it to be a case of “nice to my face, and otherwise behind my back”. Because of the source, and because of their relationship with the person in question, I had absolutely no reason to doubt the information I was given. It didn’t help that my past experiences with this person were not exactly amicable, and therefore, the worst was easier to believe than taking the time to address it first-hand. I feel like this person and I were the “scape goats” for drama that was so unnecessary, and has ultimately affected relationships permanently and left behind a trail of mistrust, and broken friendships … Why did I even listen, and more importantly, why did I really care?
“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt
Seriously … I didn’t realise I was revisiting the playground I left behind at school! I care because I have invested, I give my all to my friends, especially as my family is overseas and I do feel like I am all alone. My friends are the family I choose, and I love them with all I have. There is a saying that unless you hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, then don’t listen, don’t lend your ears or emotions to anything said on behalf of someone else, even if it happens to be the truth or the source is a reliable one. Rather allow the person in question the opportunity to say it to you directly, and hear it straight from the source. Let them express their words, thoughts and feelings in a way only they can, and in the context that it was intended … Broken telephone you ask? … Yes! My telephone is broken indeed!
“Rumour travels faster, but it don’t stay put as long as truth.” ― Will Rogers
My relationships are important to me, whether it is my partner, my family, a friend, or colleague, each individual that is in my life is there for a reason … because I want them there. The second I feel that they no longer wish to be a part of my life, or that our journey has changed and could be at an end, it is devastating to me because I have loved, laughed, cried, and shared so much of myself with the people who mean everything to me.
“Words are just words, and unless I do get them straight from the source, I am encouraging the habits that I need to break, not build.”
The reality is, that we will hurt each other, because true friendship means saying things no one else will, it means being honest, and it means being true to you. The flip side is that friendships that are not genuine will also come with their fair share of pain. We have to take the lessons and grow, not revert back to what we were 5 Years, 5 months, 5 hours ago … those moments are past. The only way we can become better than the person we are today, is to learn, find the positive, and take each lesson into the future for the next few hours, many months, and untold Years to come …
“If there is anything more annoying in the world than having people talk about you, it is certainly having no one talk about you.” ― Oscar Wilde
I have managed to successfully allow myself to be influenced by opinions, not truths, and I really need to be more aware of what I do, or do not, allow into my space, and into my life. I really need to remember this the next time I want to react in anger from the pain I feel. So what if I get hurt … am I going to allow my wounds to define me and destroy what integrity I have left in such a tough and selfish world? I should know by now that I am better than that!
“If your tongue was made of glass, how careful would you be with the words that slip from your lips?”
A very special lady told me that “I cannot be responsible for the things I can’t control, but I can control how I react to it”. How true that is! So the next time my blood boils with anger and uncontrolled emotion, and I want to go from zero to hero in 0.5 seconds flat, I hope I remember that we are all imperfect, and will continue to make mistakes. But … We shouldn’t encourage the habits that we are hurt by, we should rather lead by example. If someone wants you in their life then great, and if they don’t, at least have the dignity and self-respect to allow them that choice. Don’t beg to be in someone’s life, and don’t fight for it either. You are worthy of being loved, and friendships should come naturally, they certainly should take this much effort and cause this much pain.
Today is a brand new day, and I will not look back, I refuse! If someone is meant to be in your life, they will be, sometimes we just have to let things be and realise that it is what it is for a reason. It really does hurt letting go of people you have loved, but sometimes it hurts so much more to keep them where they are not meant to be.
“When you really care about someone, their mistakes never change our feelings. Because it is the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares.”
- The Value of Friendship! (spiceofyourlife.wordpress.com)
- Friends till the end … I’ll stand by You (simplymejustbe.wordpress.com)
- Intentional Distances in “Friendships” (randomhappysoul.wordpress.com)
- ~Dropped, But Not Broken~ (justsouno.wordpress.com)